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## PARENTS STILL THINK THEY'RE STRAIGHT! 07/31/2013 0 Comments Add Comment ## RECORD COLLECTION SELECTION: WOODY WOODBURY'S "SALOONATICS" AIN'T JUST FOR LUNATICS! 07/30/2013 0 Comments My name is Sy Zetner. That's Sy with an S and no silent P. I don't do it Gangman style. I am here to dip into the Record Collection of some solid sounds, or as you skinny- jean wearing, neck- bearded sissies might say, "spin the platters that matters". I don't even care if you don't say that last part. You should. If you have any testosterone left in your body. That goes double for all you ladies who think you're guys but still insist on going to the little girls room to powder your nose and get some digits. I just wanna lay some groovy tracks on your backs and see if you can dig on my musical facts. Today I am talking about one of the funniest comedy albums of all time. Woody Woodbury's Saloonatics. This ain't no Lonely Island, as you can tell by the lovely lady who is bending over to serve Woody a drink and give you an early look at the new episode of Leave It To Cleavage. Sure, you can get all kinds of funny songs on you tubes, I tunes and Who's ats? But only the Saloonatics will have you laughing and peeing your pants at the same time. Woody takes on drunks, drinks, drinking, and whatever else is lying around the liquor cabinet of comic cocktails. And he does it with his usual flair and grace as you can tell by that smart ass grin and hat that screams hilarious every time you pull the vinyl out of it's sleeve. So leave the comedy to the Saloonatics on this album and you'll never have to go to another one of those church basement programs again. Now make yourself useful and get your Uncle Sy a Highball filled with hijinx and just the right balance of heartbreak motor oil and bombay gin. Add Comment ## Talk With A Zombie 07/29/2013 0 Comments Dear Zombie, I'm not a cannibal or anything, but I have always wondered what humans taste like. Since I'm not planning on becoming zombified anytime soon I thought I'd ask you. Whadya say? – DYING TO KNOW Dear Dying, You're gonna find this hard to believe, but they taste a lot like chicken. Dip 'em in a little breading, toss 'em in a fryer and other than the shape, you'd swear you were sitting in a KFC. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dear Zombie, Are any of the other members of your family zombies, or is it just you? And if it's only you, then are you still in contact with them? - FAMILY MAN Dear FM, No, none of them are zombies… yet. My dad won't have anything to do with me, but my mom still writes. She'd prefer I didn't visit because it "riles up" my dad to see me. But occasionally I hang out near their place just to get a look at them again. I've been thinking of crashing their Thanksgiving dinner this year and enjoying a bite or two. ;-) (ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!) Add Comment ## ChIP'S QUIPS WITH CHIP KOOTER 07/27/2013 0 Comments Don't adjust your computer. That's my actual face. It's not gonna get any prettier. You can't improve perfect. Just ask Fat Gladys in receivable accounts. The last thing Gladys received was a cease and desist order at the all you can eat buffet at Old Country Buffet. The only account that was receivable to Gladys was the company transfer account on account it was transferrable from one foot to the other when she stood on the scale at home. Gladys ain't such a bad gal, she keeps us on our toes. Everytime she steps on them. I'm not saying she's heavy, but we found out our profits were down because Gladys was sitting on them. I tell you that woman sure likes to eat. She was once so hungry she said she could eat a horse. They had to close the horse track down the next day. It's a shame. She's got such a pretty face and nice personality. If she was in a beauty contest she'd win first place for Miss Congeliality, if that means her blood congeals every time she tries to eat some more of her fried chicken. I know I kid Fat Gladys, but the company couldn't make it without her. She knows her way around receivable accounts and receivable pizza deliveries. Well, that's all I gotta say about Fat Gladys. I think next column, I'll head over to Kooterville and talk about Greg With The Wooden Leg at the post office. They say he don't got a leg to stand on. He might not have a leg, but he sure has a log. That's all for Chip's Quips this week. Laugh at yourself, before somebody beats you to it. CHIP'S QUIPS CAN BE FOUND IN THE OLINOY REPORTER EVERY FRIDAY. THIS IS A NEW COLUMN FROM JULY 26, 2013. CHIP WILL BE AT THE BOOK BARN THIS SUNDAY JULY 28, 2013 TO SIGN COPIES OF HIS NEW BOOK "CHIP'S QUIPS". Add Comment ## Fourth Restaurant To Die At Retention Pond Lake 07/26/2013 0 Comments REPRINTED FROM THE OBITUARY SECTION OF THE OLINOY REPORTER - JULY 25TH, 2013 Pete's Pizza Palace Leaving. Not Cheesy Enough For You? by Charlie "Two Snacks" Roscoe OK, I don't usually write for the obituary pages, and they don't usually print full stories. But I felt like I had a horse in this particular race so I petitioned to write this myself. And since nobody's died in Olinoy this week, they let me do it. I gotta say, this is one buccaneer that'll soon be drowning in more than a few rum and colas, me heartys. Because only 2 1/2 months after opening, Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace is drawing her bridge, weighing her anchor and closing her doors on Friday night. And for that one night, believe it or not, you can call it "Cheesy Pete's Fish Fry Friday Palace," because Pete is completely out of pizza ingredients. "Something went wrong with the supply truck on the way to us from Chicago." he told us. "But, lucky for us, back when it was open, Frank's Fish and Chips only got a fish delivery every 3 months because this boat has a really big freezer on the lower deck. Their fish guy never got the message they closed, so we accepted the delivery. We may have got no pizza, but boy have we got fish." Pete's planning to serve a lot of fish on his last day open to, as he put it, "try to at least make something off this money pit." So, YES, there WILL once again be a Fish Fry Friday at Retention Pond Lake. With Pete's luck, everybody will finally be ordering pizzas. But I'll be rooting for you, Pete! Also I wanted to take a moment to offer a public thank you to Marty Bloorshky, who recently returned my beautiful pirate waitress statue stolen by his son, Roger and his pals as a prank. Marty told me he took one look at what his son had taken, and he knew somebody would be sorely missing her, because he certainly would be. Well Marty, Pete said he'd let his go for cheap if you're interested. Anyway now that Cheesy P's is closing, she's all I'll have left, so thanks, buddy. I wish there were more dads out there like you. And Roger. i'll be looking forward to seeing you and your lawn mower the next 6 weekends. I like it short, neat, and at an angle to the street. Add Comment ## This Post Brought To You By... 07/25/2013 0 Comments Add Comment ## the book barn announces new arrivals 07/24/2013 0 Comments NEW BOOKS FROM JK ROWLING, BILL 'O' REILLY AND OUR OWN CHIP KOOTER! The Book Barn at The Centerville Shopping Center is proud to announce the recent arrivals of new books by JK Rowling, Bill 'O' Reilly, and our very own Chip Kooter. The JK Rowling book is entitled The Cuckoo's Calling Center and is about a mystical Call Center that employs people in their mid to late 20's who got a liberal arts degree and know way too much about Harry Potter. Rowling said the book will have wizards, dumb nerd games, and a main character named Harry who happens to have the last name Potter and be depressed that he is managing a call center. Bill 'O' Reilly continues writing historical fiction that is wildly inaccurate, but great entertainment, with his new book, The Confederate Generals: Racists With A Vision. Pay close attention to the meticulous detail that is evident on both the cover and back photos of the author himself. The last book on our reading list is by local author Chip Kooter who has captured the foibles and fables of our time with his latest titled Chips Quips. Chip promises more quips and less tips this time around. Chip is bound to have you rolling with laughter when you recognize you or somebody you know in one of his quips. That's the latest arrivals at The Book Barn at The Centerville Shopping Center in Centerville. It's for people who love books and barns alike. Add Comment ## BABY IMPERSONATes newborns, toddlers, and infants with spot on accuracy. ADDS NEW ROYAL PRINCE TO SHOW AT BABY ROOM!!! 07/23/2013 0 Comments Add Comment ## Talk With A Zombie 07/22/2013 0 Comments Dear Zombie, If you're really a zombie, why hasn't someone shown up at the Duck Logic headquarters to try to blow you away by now? If I believed you really were one I'd hunt you down myself. – ZOMBIE RETIRER Dear Retirer, The folks here still think I like wearing my Halloween costume all year, and since i'm getting such a big response to the column they aren't asking questions. But I've had plenty of close calls on the way to and from work for sure. People still have that "only good zombie is a dead zombie" attitude where I hang out, so I've really gotta be careful. Of course, if you did track me and kill me, I'd only come right back as a new zombie again. With hell filled up there's nothing else I could do. So maybe you should just retire yourself. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dear Zombie, If, to become a zombie you have to be bitten by one, then… how does it start? How does the first zombie become one? Hmmmm? – UNBELIEVER Dear Unbeliever, While being bitten by a zombie is a surefire way to become one, that's just one of the paths to zombiedom. Zombies are like mushrooms. The possibility for them always exists, in the very air all around you, but the conditions have to be just right for them to emerge. So the first zombie just showed up, no bitting necessary. What are the right conditions? That would be telling. ;-) (ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!) Add Comment ## FROM A MOTHER'S PERSPECTIVE 07/20/2013 0 Comments Jean here, again, to provide A Mother's Perspetive for all those issues that need the wisdom of a mom. I haven't been writing my column on a regular basis because some people at this blog think I am turning the page over to rants about my cuckolded son and his less than upstanding wife. Well, I should rephrase that last part. She's less than upstanding only when she isn't up standing near a stripper pole. But more on that later readers. It's just so comforting to know that censorship exists in the least likely places. I mean I thought these boys had a sense of humor, but the memos from legal and corporate seem to disagree with yours truly. Anyway, here's some thoughts on some items that crossed my desk since we last got together over a hot cup of coffee and a cease and desist letter. Ladies, never wear anything too revealing in public. You want to remain a mystery that he wants to read and that tramp stamp is only going to send him back to his Nook for another book. That goes double for former strippers who have not aged well. Every mother needs to know that your children are your ticket to the greatest moments in life, providing the ticket is not printed out on cheap business card stock and obviously a fake. Women know that being a Mom requires the ability to juggle home, work and community like they were those bowling pins and you were one of those street performers who bother you every time you try to enjoy an art festival or a free block party that has been crashed by the people in the next block over. But enough about that trash. I should end my column with a bit of advice about outdoor entertaining and making your guest list. Friends are fine when you wine and dine. Family are fun if it's one and done. Former stripper daughter in laws give one plenty to pause when sons won't take direction on public displays of affection. Well, ladies I have a meeting with my attorney to attend and some calls to make when it comes to taking care of this little issue about my column and the many times we need A Mother's Perspective. Add Comment